OCD is not an adjective

My last blog-post centered around the arbitrariness of numbers and how statistics can mislead. I don't hate numbers or counting, though. Numeracy development is part of my job, and Rachel Riley is one of my idols. I don't infer too much from statistics, but I enjoy collecting them. I memorize dates for no discernible reason. I also don't stop counting. Ever. I am a compulsive counter, and this is not uncommon amongst people with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

I have only recently realized how many areas of my life are affected by OCD. Whilst I've been aware of it for a long time, I didn't realize just how much of my behaviour was influenced by it. I recognized my obsessions, compulsions and their triggers, but not the other anxiety-driven behaviours I exhibited which are typical of OCD. When you've thought something all your life, it's strange to discover that it isn't "normal" (whatever that means).

Obsessions are pervasive intrusive thoughts or images which can vary from aesthetically frustrating images to violent and morbid scenarios. One that I have is a pirate ship ride which keeps going over and over and never stops or changes direction, however much I want it to. And I always want it to because I like things to be balanced; if the ship has gone round clockwise ten times, I need it to go anti-clockwise ten times. To make the ship change direction, I might repeat a physical action (like blinking), but it never works. To distract myself from the obsession, I might then enact an alternative compulsion such as repeating a short phrase over and over in my head until the total number of syllables I have uttered come to a total divisible by eighteen. And then I'd do it again, just to check I hadn't cheated the first time. And then I'd probably do it again, just in case I forgot how to count the second time. It's hardly a disturbing obsession or debilitating compulsion (particularly as I can do it whilst doing other things), but it serves as a good illustration of how OCD can manifest.

Detailing my own experiences of OCD is not my main aim, however, in this blog-post; if you want to understand what OCD might involve (as it's different for each individual), this is a great website. I want to talk about OCD from a more linguistic perspective; specifically, I want to talk about how it is not an adjective, and how flippant use of the term is contributing towards a serious misunderstanding of the disorder. I'm not a particularly ranty person, but this is something which really cooks my swede.

OCD is not an adjective, and if it were, it would not be a gradable one. One cannot "be" OCD, and if you have ever referred to yourself as being "so OCD" or "a little bit OCD, there's a strong likelihood that you do not know what OCD is, and an even stronger likelihood that it does not affect you.

Liking things clean and tidy does not mean you have OCD. Whilst compulsive cleaning or straightening manifests in many people who suffer from OCD, it is not because they like things clean and tidy. Once the OCD sufferer has cleaned or straightened, he or she will not be satisfied with the outcome, and will probably do it again. And again. And again. Many OCD sufferers - and I definitely include myself in this - are actually quite untidy people. Those television programmes about hoarders are a good example of how OCD can manifest.

OCD is used flippantly in reference to pet peeves, which makes absolutely no sense. How does being annoyed by something bear any resemblance to having your mind consumed by pervasive thoughts which trigger the execution of a useless and tenuously linked (or even unrelated) action which interferes with your ability to function? How does being annoyed by the misuse of apostrophes compare with feeling that every single decision you make has the potential to result in a global catastrophe? Arguably, this is true if you believe in The Butterfly Effect. I don't dissuade OCD sufferers from thinking about that, though; if you can genuinely predict the knock-on effect of your actions on a global scale, you are probably some sort of god.

Time for a quick personal example? Go on then. For years, I refused to eat Big Macs, not because of their shocking nutritional qualities, but because I thought a certain person would die if I did. And that person wasn't even somebody with whom I had any real connection. The compulsions carried out by those with OCD do not serve the purpose of satisfying the agent, and yet we still do them. I bloody love gherkins and Big Mac sauce, so I was certainly never satisfied at denying myself, healthily beneficial as it undoubtedly was.

Therefore, please think next time you use OCD as an adjective, and remember that it isn't one. It's a disorder which seriously affects people's lives, and flippant use of the term only serves to derogate it.

Right, I'm going back to the very important tasks of corpus trawling and syllable counting. After all, I wouldn't want a woman in Hartlepool to drive into a tree.

Namaste,
Emma

745 words and three kisses

"Your self-worth, beauty, strength, and overall awesomeness is not defined by numbers."

- Nia Shanks

There is a real obsession in our society on measuring progress, and we almost always do this using numbers. If I learned anything at university last year (and that clause really is conditional, because I genuinely wonder whether I did), it was that statistics can be incredibly misleading. The data we present is rarely the whole story, and we can claim almost anything by tailoring the presentation of authentic data to support our claims. 

Those who work in education look to hit targets, and a school's success is measured not by pupils' happiness, sense of wonder or love of learning, but by percentages and arbitrary variables. Instead of looking to do the best for each individual, schools are forced to prioritize figures, and many education professionals are forced to think of children only in terms of how they can contribute to those figures. Sometimes, the smallest improvement can make a huge difference to a child, and yet unless the improvement is in line with arbitrary expectations, that improvement does not contribute towards the precious targets set by people who don't even know that child. It is an incredibly sad situation, but it isn't exclusive to education. 

In the fitness industry, there is a real obsession with allowing numbers to define us, be it in terms of pounds lost within an specified period of time, lean muscle gained, weight lifted or body fat percentage. This is something which Nia Shanks talks about a lot. The quotation at the top of this blog is part of Nia's mission to show women that no number should define our self-worth, whether that number is a body measurement of any sort, or the numbers on the barbells or dumbbells we lift. Whilst numbers can give us targets to ensure a positive journey towards them, they can also cause us to forget why we actually do something. 

Last year, I noticed that my waist had shrunk after a few months of weight training (where my target was increased functional strength), and so I chose this random by-product of training to measure my subsequent progress as I tried to further increase strength. I am well aware that this makes absolutely no sense. I over-trained and I under-ate. I lost strength as I focused on this ridiculous process of Barbification, and it took a long time to realize that I had never even wanted a smaller waist, and that I had completely lost focus on my real reason for training. 

After a rocky year at university, I failed to achieve the target grade I had set myself; I was inconsolable. I allowed that grade to define me, and in my mind, it defined me as stupid, inferior, incompetent and incapable of further study. I know full well that I am none of those things, and that anybody who allows that grade to categorize me as such has no business doing so. 

The funny thing is that nobody is ever likely to label me based on arbitrary numbers from my life; I am the only person who really needs to accept that I am not defined by a grade, waist measurement or deadlift one-rep max. When I eventually hit the deadlift target I have set myself, I won't be a better person than I am now. I'll just be able to pick up slightly heavier things than I currently can. It's easy to lose focus. 

Measuring success with numbers happens in almost every area of life: word counts, weight loss, weight gain, pay grades, years in a relationship, goals scored, international caps, papers published, sexual partners, GCSEs... How often do we measure success by the age at which it is achieved? Why is it so important to be married before you're 30, 40 or even 50? Yes, it's very impressive if somebody reaches the top of his or her field by a very young age, but life is not a race, and we'll all get there in our own time. The exciting thing is that we don't know where "there" is, but we definitely know that it isn't a number.

I'm not saying numbers are bad, just that they shouldn't allow us to lose sight of reality. 

You know where we don't measure progress by numbers? Yoga. It is a non-competitive practice, and the only accurate measure of progress is happiness. Also, being upside-down is super cool.

Namaste

Emma

xxx